The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
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Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!