Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
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Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.