*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
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Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
$3 #books
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
“What?”
– Jude
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder