When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
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A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy