There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
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Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
motivation
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”