Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
You Might Also Like
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!