I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
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reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
What the hell happened here.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.