[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
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I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
need him
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.