I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
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I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.