My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
You Might Also Like
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
m’lady
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
“OMGJK” -atheists
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull