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Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I triple waxed for this?
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter