I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
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*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic