First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
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Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.