Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
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help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Natural selection at its finest
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Schrödinger’s cookie
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
mentally somewhere in italy
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
hackers play passwordle
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.