i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
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Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
i meant to share this earlier