Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
You Might Also Like
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I cannot stop laughing at this
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star