Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
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You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.