*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
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Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea