I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
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me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
⛄️
NASA has no chill
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!