My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
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Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does