If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
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Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
U talkin 2 me?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*