Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
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Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
guys I’m going home
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
“The Perfect Relationship”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
i’m still crying at this