rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
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If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
craving $300 all of a sudden
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age