[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
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I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.