my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
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[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.