When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
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Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.