I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
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I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?