Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
You Might Also Like
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk