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Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”