Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
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You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am