[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
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“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Boating season is upon us.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.