There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
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[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Every. Damn. Time.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative