*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
You Might Also Like
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
new wife guy just dropped
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.