WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
You Might Also Like
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
how to market bottled water to dads
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Me :
All Day At Night