I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
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SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
twitter is a journey
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”