I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
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white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?