Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
They did not miss in the small print
Most fashion shows these days…
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.