I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
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My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd