What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Husband of the year 😂
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No