“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
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coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.