“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
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If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
no cat here
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest