I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
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If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.