If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
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My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.