[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
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“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
me linking you to my twitter
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins