“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
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Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
titanic
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted