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Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31