Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
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[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.