Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
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My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Wake me when AI does housework
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.