ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
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Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
The French word for sex is croissant.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
#CatsOnTwitter
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.