Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
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Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I hate when that happens.